Overdo Apology!

This is something I have always had an issue doing, this is definitely a good step in the right direction. 

You need to know, you are a beyond a doubt the most wonderful person I have know and I have been less than worthy of you for many years now. I have done little in all the years to give you the respect and free will you deserve. Controlling way to much of your life and temper tantrums when I did not get my way until you have given in. This apology stems from my own realization of all my wrong doing. My grieve there has been a lot. From the beginnings of dealing with me being a stripper and a groupie out of complete control. Taken off just as you would arrive. Nitpicking everything I thought u did wrong. Flirting or taken it 5 steps further with whomever I felt like. I am truly sorry, being on a huge pedestal and having an ego the size of Europe was never a good thing. When I look back at how much of a bitch I was. Honestly if the me now met me then I would hate myself. Some how you liked the crazy me and stuck by me. As the years went on I never appreciated what was always in front of me.  I would only assume that is what lead to much frustration in your life. I do not want to do that again. I am owning my mistakes so I do not make them again. The truth is I do love you more than words can tell.  I want to change everything. I want to give you control, let you make all your own decisions to do what or for that matter who you want. I want to see you happy. I need to learn to respect anything you chose whether I like it or not. Life is not all about me and it never should of been that way. It is long over due to be your turn to take over the reins in this relationship. I deserve anything and everything you decide. I would love to see a you filled with confidence and loads of self esteem. I am humbly sorry. We have walked a long road and I hope we will continue for another 20 years. This time will you in control, I will learn more each day to be subservient to you.  

The Art of Learning

Sorry for the long long break in writing, I am back now what I hope is for the long haul. I seriously have a long ways to go as a submissive female. I know in my heart this is something I truly desire. I love making others happy, especially my chosen life partner. I left for a bit cause I broke down into much of my old feisty spirited ways. I assume this is due to the fact, over the years I have built such a cage around myself that I combat anything uncomfortable to me. I know I need to correct this not only to be a better person but also for my love whom I wish to be fully subservient to. I hid from blogging more due to fears i have about people in my vanilla world finding out they way I desire to be and them seeing it as weird or taboo.  I really need to get over my self issues. I need to be open and accept criticism if need be from whomever may be reading this. Perhaps this will all lead to something extremely positive with me learning to grow as a person. 

Things That I want to work on or train to be better are as follows:

Physical Training: I want to lose about 50 lbs.  I  have a goal and would like to be 135lbs again sometime in the near future.

Better Health: goes along with the Physical but I want to quit smoking again in a serious way and eat much healthier.

This is the biggest one that I will have the hardest time with:

Emotional Training:  Overcoming unhelpful emotions, control over my emotional expression, journal keeping :o), over coming fear, guilt, possessiveness, stubbornness, resistance, egotism, Accepting humiliation, overcoming expectations or feelings or entitlement. Learning obedience.

Verbal Training: Control of speech with better listening skills.

Plus anything else he thinks or knows I need work on.

I will list feelings and emotions in this blog as well as updates to my overall behavior and health.  Going to breathe deep and take everything one step at a time.

Why I want to be a slave

Well, Marriage, is suppose to be a selfless relationship. I felt in my heart of hearts that this lifestyle would benefit the both of us completely. My husband is a sensitive, personable, caring, and funny man. He cries right along with movies I find sad even more so then myself sometime. So you can perhaps see how before we chose this life style it could be a bit difficult to look up to him.

My lack of looking up to him, triggered many feelings. I demanded attention, everything was MY WAY and I had no rules or boundaries, It is hard to see him as the masculine figure. Since I was the ruler and queen of my kingdom and the main domineering force in the entire house. I am sure he has felt at times like he is not his own person but has never really said anything to me. He was definitely pussy whipped to say the least.

I wanted this to make a huge change in our marriage for the better.

I hope his confidence was going to be fully restored, I wanted to be able to look up to him and admire him in ways I never thought imaginable.

I know this must seem ironic to anyone reading this,  that does not understand the Master/slave lifestyle. I am aware me becoming a slave doesn't create a partnership, but rather a dictatorship in the opposite direction. I feel like we need to complete each other. We can not both be leaders. All households have a more dominate spouse even if it is not in a BDSM lifestyle. 

I want to step down and be more humble, I am/was tired of being in constant control. I want him to feel more like a man instead of a doormat. I want us to appreciate each other more as well. So yeah it may be ironic but it works with us for some reason. I can tell you what does not work. When he backs off being in control, Cause I have the personality that will take the reins if he ever does this. We begin to argue again, I become miserable, and we fight constantly. This was an on and off battle in the begin while we were both learning are new roles. But we have now established a more harmonious life. I am sure with the switch my  husband is now a happier, nicer, more masculine, more confident person. He was then free to re-establish control, authority, and some of his internal anger that I know otherwise he would of held in. In all honesty being his slave feels good to me and I do it cause I want to.  I except to be disciplined if I am acting in a way that is displeasing or childlike. When I act like that it is my fault and no one else's if a punishment is unpleasant it is only because I deserve it.

It makes me happy and I love being his property to use, teach, train, modify, guide, dominate, abuse, play and protect. Just to make him happier. Keeping the home clean, servicing him sexual, supporting, loving, and worshipping him. However I still have a very very domineering personality and have issues submitting to slave status often. It is going to take a lot of training and patience to have this tiger change her stripes.  But I am working on it.

A girl named D

As I sit here about to type out things about my life that have occurred, I find it hard to believe that I am going to actually disclose some of this information in an open forum. I knew from the moment I meet my husband now master I was a wild child and extreme one that could not be tamed. We basically started our relationship in an open fashion. Even informing him that if he could put up with crap we would probably last and eternity. Trust me all the pieces of me where jagged when we meet. I was a stripper on and off for 6 years of our relationship and screwing around with many famous rock band etc. As well as who ever else I felt like ripping apart in a sexual way. I was sleeping with guys and girls at the time. Of course many of the girls I openly shared with him at that time. I was a totally stuck up diva at this point in my life. Being humble was not something I ever knew. This continued for duration of our relationship.  Until I mellowed out in 2002 for certain reasons. In many ways at times I feel bad for how I treated him for so many years. I did whatever I felt like and for the most part he listened to anything I said. Was this wrong… Completely! But I was not mature or grown into the person I have become and am still learning to be. Trust me I have a long way to go. Hopefully he will figure out a way to break me completely.  Any who…………

Now fast forwarding to only a few years ago… Sir meet this girl we shall call her D for the remained of this blog. He was really into her and wanted to fuck her in the worse way as did she want the same. He told me about her about 3 weeks after they had begun chatting with each other and seeing each other everyday at a job.

He decided one night to tell me about D while he was about to make me cum. Trust me at that point I am instantly ready to do so. I wanted to know what she looked like, so he showed me a few pictures and at that point something I was not incredibly use to occurred, The green eyed monster of jealousy raged inside me. So I instantly had to make some crude ass remark, which I truly did not mean. The girl was beautiful and had a kick ass body from head to toe. Seriously look at this body!  I am sure you can see why the jealousy occurred.


I cropped the face for obvious reasons but she was extremely pretty facially as well.

Well it got worse from there not only was I jealous of what she looked like. " not sure why I am not an ugly girl by any stretch of the word" But somehow it happened. On top of that I was snooping on his computer and found emails that they had written to each other. Some of them where sexually graphic in nature others where more on the romantic sweet side all extremely flirtatious. This for whatever reason enraged me even further. I called him telling him I was done with him etc. I now know how wrong I was for this. I really had no right at all to be upset. After all hell I put him through who was I to get this mad or upset but hind sight is always 20/20. Needless to say he eventually called of the entire thing due to my ridiculous behavior. Now I wish he was of just continued to do it. It has been a few years and I am still amazed at how wet I become when this conversation or the thought of D comes up. Trust me I actually like it and drip from him thinking of her while his cock is deep within my pussy.  

In fact he did that last night to me while he was fucking my cunt really good. I am getting turned on by the thought of it now. I am hoping he can find someone like her again perhaps in the near future that completely torments my mind. Where this time I am powerless to stop it.  

Degradation and Objectification

Degradation and objectification is most certainly not high on everyone's list and I can fully understand why.  Seriously why would anyone on earth possibly enjoy being reduce in quality, value, treated as someone lower and not someone equal. Or to be treated as purely a sex toy or being reduced to a  helpless slave, being forced to obey every desire or demand. Allowing your partner to talk about you as if you were not present to other people and  allowing them to use you as a tool to use for achieving sexual gratification. Who would want this you might ask.

Interestingly enough, I DO! I want to and like being degraded enough that is is something I fantasize about often. I can not help but smile as I write this because by sharing I most certainly feel a sense of embarrassment for admitting such desires and yet I feel myself getting wet from exposing myself to the virtual world that I enjoy being called a bitch, slut, worthless, useless, disposable cunt. Here I sit exposing my wants for anyone to read. When it comes to degradation I have to say humiliations goes with it hand in hand. You can feel humiliation without feeling degraded, but being degraded always leads to feeling humility to some degree.

Once again this is definitely not for everyone. Yet it turns me on completely, the key to enjoying this I feel is having a deep understanding that names do not define me as a whole, they only define the experience. Knowing I can walk away from doing this as a confident worthwhile person that has a lot to offer. I feel you really need to have a strong self esteem to participate in this form of play.