Open Marriage and submission

I  grew up nurturing the fantasies of a white wedding, a home with a white picket fence and the happily ever after of fairy tales. I feel we are programmed from birth to want these things as well as fidelity. We are also told that jealousy, total devotion and ownership prove love. I am not buying into that anymore. I have a really un-natural obsession with wanting my husband to be with other women. I for one reason or the other get instantly wet of the thought of this. I love if i find condemns in his wallet, finding gift recipes, movie tickets etc. from places I know we have not been to together. Just him coming home with another females scent on him drives me wild and makes me want him that much more. I am tormented by thoughts of wanting it so bad but then at the same time becoming jealous or upset and having him do it anyways. It is weird what those dark twisted evil emotions can do to a person and knowing I am powerless to stop it is even hotter. I get the sense that he is in complete control and to me it makes me happy. Sure it is easy for people who don't get it to say there is something wrong with my particular mindset. A lot of people might say poor girl she is a doormat or struggles with low self-esteem.  I can assure you that I am neither. I have my own personality and strong opinions and it takes an awful lot of self esteem to be able to live this lifestyle. I enjoy making my master and hubby happy. I honestly like him in charge cause I am fully aware of the fact that I suffer from having NO IMPLUSE CONTROL, I will do whatever the mood strikes me at the time wether is is a good or bad decision.  You might not understand this but it makes me incredibly happy.