Why I want to be a slave

Well, Marriage, is suppose to be a selfless relationship. I felt in my heart of hearts that this lifestyle would benefit the both of us completely. My husband is a sensitive, personable, caring, and funny man. He cries right along with movies I find sad even more so then myself sometime. So you can perhaps see how before we chose this life style it could be a bit difficult to look up to him.

My lack of looking up to him, triggered many feelings. I demanded attention, everything was MY WAY and I had no rules or boundaries, It is hard to see him as the masculine figure. Since I was the ruler and queen of my kingdom and the main domineering force in the entire house. I am sure he has felt at times like he is not his own person but has never really said anything to me. He was definitely pussy whipped to say the least.

I wanted this to make a huge change in our marriage for the better.

I hope his confidence was going to be fully restored, I wanted to be able to look up to him and admire him in ways I never thought imaginable.

I know this must seem ironic to anyone reading this,  that does not understand the Master/slave lifestyle. I am aware me becoming a slave doesn't create a partnership, but rather a dictatorship in the opposite direction. I feel like we need to complete each other. We can not both be leaders. All households have a more dominate spouse even if it is not in a BDSM lifestyle. 

I want to step down and be more humble, I am/was tired of being in constant control. I want him to feel more like a man instead of a doormat. I want us to appreciate each other more as well. So yeah it may be ironic but it works with us for some reason. I can tell you what does not work. When he backs off being in control, Cause I have the personality that will take the reins if he ever does this. We begin to argue again, I become miserable, and we fight constantly. This was an on and off battle in the begin while we were both learning are new roles. But we have now established a more harmonious life. I am sure with the switch my  husband is now a happier, nicer, more masculine, more confident person. He was then free to re-establish control, authority, and some of his internal anger that I know otherwise he would of held in. In all honesty being his slave feels good to me and I do it cause I want to.  I except to be disciplined if I am acting in a way that is displeasing or childlike. When I act like that it is my fault and no one else's if a punishment is unpleasant it is only because I deserve it.

It makes me happy and I love being his property to use, teach, train, modify, guide, dominate, abuse, play and protect. Just to make him happier. Keeping the home clean, servicing him sexual, supporting, loving, and worshipping him. However I still have a very very domineering personality and have issues submitting to slave status often. It is going to take a lot of training and patience to have this tiger change her stripes.  But I am working on it.

A girl named D

As I sit here about to type out things about my life that have occurred, I find it hard to believe that I am going to actually disclose some of this information in an open forum. I knew from the moment I meet my husband now master I was a wild child and extreme one that could not be tamed. We basically started our relationship in an open fashion. Even informing him that if he could put up with crap we would probably last and eternity. Trust me all the pieces of me where jagged when we meet. I was a stripper on and off for 6 years of our relationship and screwing around with many famous rock band etc. As well as who ever else I felt like ripping apart in a sexual way. I was sleeping with guys and girls at the time. Of course many of the girls I openly shared with him at that time. I was a totally stuck up diva at this point in my life. Being humble was not something I ever knew. This continued for duration of our relationship.  Until I mellowed out in 2002 for certain reasons. In many ways at times I feel bad for how I treated him for so many years. I did whatever I felt like and for the most part he listened to anything I said. Was this wrong… Completely! But I was not mature or grown into the person I have become and am still learning to be. Trust me I have a long way to go. Hopefully he will figure out a way to break me completely.  Any who…………

Now fast forwarding to only a few years ago… Sir meet this girl we shall call her D for the remained of this blog. He was really into her and wanted to fuck her in the worse way as did she want the same. He told me about her about 3 weeks after they had begun chatting with each other and seeing each other everyday at a job.

He decided one night to tell me about D while he was about to make me cum. Trust me at that point I am instantly ready to do so. I wanted to know what she looked like, so he showed me a few pictures and at that point something I was not incredibly use to occurred, The green eyed monster of jealousy raged inside me. So I instantly had to make some crude ass remark, which I truly did not mean. The girl was beautiful and had a kick ass body from head to toe. Seriously look at this body!  I am sure you can see why the jealousy occurred.


I cropped the face for obvious reasons but she was extremely pretty facially as well.

Well it got worse from there not only was I jealous of what she looked like. " not sure why I am not an ugly girl by any stretch of the word" But somehow it happened. On top of that I was snooping on his computer and found emails that they had written to each other. Some of them where sexually graphic in nature others where more on the romantic sweet side all extremely flirtatious. This for whatever reason enraged me even further. I called him telling him I was done with him etc. I now know how wrong I was for this. I really had no right at all to be upset. After all hell I put him through who was I to get this mad or upset but hind sight is always 20/20. Needless to say he eventually called of the entire thing due to my ridiculous behavior. Now I wish he was of just continued to do it. It has been a few years and I am still amazed at how wet I become when this conversation or the thought of D comes up. Trust me I actually like it and drip from him thinking of her while his cock is deep within my pussy.  

In fact he did that last night to me while he was fucking my cunt really good. I am getting turned on by the thought of it now. I am hoping he can find someone like her again perhaps in the near future that completely torments my mind. Where this time I am powerless to stop it.  

Degradation and Objectification

Degradation and objectification is most certainly not high on everyone's list and I can fully understand why.  Seriously why would anyone on earth possibly enjoy being reduce in quality, value, treated as someone lower and not someone equal. Or to be treated as purely a sex toy or being reduced to a  helpless slave, being forced to obey every desire or demand. Allowing your partner to talk about you as if you were not present to other people and  allowing them to use you as a tool to use for achieving sexual gratification. Who would want this you might ask.

Interestingly enough, I DO! I want to and like being degraded enough that is is something I fantasize about often. I can not help but smile as I write this because by sharing I most certainly feel a sense of embarrassment for admitting such desires and yet I feel myself getting wet from exposing myself to the virtual world that I enjoy being called a bitch, slut, worthless, useless, disposable cunt. Here I sit exposing my wants for anyone to read. When it comes to degradation I have to say humiliations goes with it hand in hand. You can feel humiliation without feeling degraded, but being degraded always leads to feeling humility to some degree.

Once again this is definitely not for everyone. Yet it turns me on completely, the key to enjoying this I feel is having a deep understanding that names do not define me as a whole, they only define the experience. Knowing I can walk away from doing this as a confident worthwhile person that has a lot to offer. I feel you really need to have a strong self esteem to participate in this form of play.

Open Marriage and submission

I  grew up nurturing the fantasies of a white wedding, a home with a white picket fence and the happily ever after of fairy tales. I feel we are programmed from birth to want these things as well as fidelity. We are also told that jealousy, total devotion and ownership prove love. I am not buying into that anymore. I have a really un-natural obsession with wanting my husband to be with other women. I for one reason or the other get instantly wet of the thought of this. I love if i find condemns in his wallet, finding gift recipes, movie tickets etc. from places I know we have not been to together. Just him coming home with another females scent on him drives me wild and makes me want him that much more. I am tormented by thoughts of wanting it so bad but then at the same time becoming jealous or upset and having him do it anyways. It is weird what those dark twisted evil emotions can do to a person and knowing I am powerless to stop it is even hotter. I get the sense that he is in complete control and to me it makes me happy. Sure it is easy for people who don't get it to say there is something wrong with my particular mindset. A lot of people might say poor girl she is a doormat or struggles with low self-esteem.  I can assure you that I am neither. I have my own personality and strong opinions and it takes an awful lot of self esteem to be able to live this lifestyle. I enjoy making my master and hubby happy. I honestly like him in charge cause I am fully aware of the fact that I suffer from having NO IMPLUSE CONTROL, I will do whatever the mood strikes me at the time wether is is a good or bad decision.  You might not understand this but it makes me incredibly happy.

Introduction

Beginning this blog is a HUGE step for me. I have always been one to have trouble opening up sexually about who I am cause so many of my thoughts would be considered abnormal by typical society.  This is just an insecurity I have. I am hoping by opening up and learning about others perhaps with the same frame of mind that I will not feel so alone in my thoughts, wants, and desires.

OK where to begin: Well,  I have been married for the past 10 years but with him now for 20 years total. He is fully aware of how my twisted mind works cause I do not hid anything from him. I try to be a supportive wife, I want my husband to fulfill his dreams and do whatever makes him happy. Because if he is happy then I am happy in theory anyways. It is not always easy and there have been plenty of times when we were not completely sure if it was going to last. We have worked hard at it and so far have been very lucky. I have realized that to stay together we have to change together and that does not always mean going in the same direction or having the same interests. Always staying honest and keeping the communication open helps a lot. The fact of the matter is in my opinion everyone should be able to design their relationship according to what works for those involved. So if you read anything you might disagree with please keep in mind this is what works for us.

A bit about me and stuff I will be writing about in the near future: I have a love for certain aspects of BDSM, Swinging, an open marriage, Complete Vampire fetish.  

Some of the things I enjoy are:

Spankings with crops, floggers, paddles, Being bitten "YUM"  Blindfolds, Body Modification "tattoos" Bondage, gags, verbal humiliation, including others, light to moderate pain, serving sexual, domestic slavery or what have you. Sex toys, being submissive. The list goes on I will be writing full blogs about most of these things and others as I go.