Overdo Apology!

This is something I have always had an issue doing, this is definitely a good step in the right direction. 

You need to know, you are a beyond a doubt the most wonderful person I have know and I have been less than worthy of you for many years now. I have done little in all the years to give you the respect and free will you deserve. Controlling way to much of your life and temper tantrums when I did not get my way until you have given in. This apology stems from my own realization of all my wrong doing. My grieve there has been a lot. From the beginnings of dealing with me being a stripper and a groupie out of complete control. Taken off just as you would arrive. Nitpicking everything I thought u did wrong. Flirting or taken it 5 steps further with whomever I felt like. I am truly sorry, being on a huge pedestal and having an ego the size of Europe was never a good thing. When I look back at how much of a bitch I was. Honestly if the me now met me then I would hate myself. Some how you liked the crazy me and stuck by me. As the years went on I never appreciated what was always in front of me.  I would only assume that is what lead to much frustration in your life. I do not want to do that again. I am owning my mistakes so I do not make them again. The truth is I do love you more than words can tell.  I want to change everything. I want to give you control, let you make all your own decisions to do what or for that matter who you want. I want to see you happy. I need to learn to respect anything you chose whether I like it or not. Life is not all about me and it never should of been that way. It is long over due to be your turn to take over the reins in this relationship. I deserve anything and everything you decide. I would love to see a you filled with confidence and loads of self esteem. I am humbly sorry. We have walked a long road and I hope we will continue for another 20 years. This time will you in control, I will learn more each day to be subservient to you.  

The Art of Learning

Sorry for the long long break in writing, I am back now what I hope is for the long haul. I seriously have a long ways to go as a submissive female. I know in my heart this is something I truly desire. I love making others happy, especially my chosen life partner. I left for a bit cause I broke down into much of my old feisty spirited ways. I assume this is due to the fact, over the years I have built such a cage around myself that I combat anything uncomfortable to me. I know I need to correct this not only to be a better person but also for my love whom I wish to be fully subservient to. I hid from blogging more due to fears i have about people in my vanilla world finding out they way I desire to be and them seeing it as weird or taboo.  I really need to get over my self issues. I need to be open and accept criticism if need be from whomever may be reading this. Perhaps this will all lead to something extremely positive with me learning to grow as a person. 

Things That I want to work on or train to be better are as follows:

Physical Training: I want to lose about 50 lbs.  I  have a goal and would like to be 135lbs again sometime in the near future.

Better Health: goes along with the Physical but I want to quit smoking again in a serious way and eat much healthier.

This is the biggest one that I will have the hardest time with:

Emotional Training:  Overcoming unhelpful emotions, control over my emotional expression, journal keeping :o), over coming fear, guilt, possessiveness, stubbornness, resistance, egotism, Accepting humiliation, overcoming expectations or feelings or entitlement. Learning obedience.

Verbal Training: Control of speech with better listening skills.

Plus anything else he thinks or knows I need work on.

I will list feelings and emotions in this blog as well as updates to my overall behavior and health.  Going to breathe deep and take everything one step at a time.